Breathing Out At Last

Have you been feeling good lately? I sincerely hope so, because I know I should have been. Emphasis on the "should have". My break from school, meaning my independent studies these six weeks, started on Friday afternoon after finishing the final day of the test week, yet only now can I breathe out.

I didn't fully realise I was free from school even as I got home last Friday, with my groceries and art projects (the "test" we had was actually a morning of feedback on our ceramic works). Saturday was a mess, to be quite fair and honest, because everything I had worked for, for this break from school, was ruined by a realisation that I, in fact, hadn't got anything under control. My Swedish course was the wrong one, somehow the system had thought I hadn't done this particular course even though I actually had, last year. The course that I needed to get taken to the matriculation examinations was missing, and it wasn't available the last possible period - which was now.

I ran downstairs to explain, with a rapidly beating heart, the situation to my Mum. As always, she stayed calm and found solutions and told me to message the study counsellor, because I was just too shaken and upset to write to her right away. In my head my panic kept repeating: it's too late, it's too late, it's too late, nothing can be done now.

The whole weekend I was worried sick that I wouldn't get to do the missing Swedish course and my school year would be prolonged and my graduation would be moved to be in a year in spring instead of next autumn. Even just the thought was too scary to even describe, I was so nervous, so afraid, and on Saturday I felt so bad. It eased when I got to cry and talk it out, but the fears still lingered through Sunday. Even though Sunday was a better day than Saturday, I still felt the uneasiness shadowing me throughout the day.

But when I woke up today on Monday, I checked my messages in case my teachers would've answered (after fighting the rising heartbeats and anxiety for a bit). And it was totally OK for me to switch courses. It was totally OK. Phew! If you only could feel my relief! The course would be named the appropriate Swedish course, the instructions remained the same, I just needed to get the other textbook. So today after receiving the messages and having a really good nap after stressing the whole weekend, I have come to realise that I actually am free from school for the next six weeks - doing studies at home, not needing to wake up early, and scheduling my days to fit my own pace.

Part of me not feeling good and being over-emotional about the whole situation was also because of my period that is going to be here anytime soon. I talk openly about periods here, and I can say that mine have caused me so many issues in the past I'm all like "oh OK, it's coming soon, I don't know when but it's on its way" today. I have planned for many, many months to do a whole post about my period experiences, so let's save the whole talk to later. I will say that mine is coming slow this time, but with all the drawbacks, so a lot of emotions, nausea and pain has been with me these past few days. It has highly affected my moods, as you probably can tell.

Anyway, I know this post was a bit all over the place, but I just needed somewhere to write these things out. It already feels a lot easier to perceive what just has happened. Now I'm sitting in the comfort of my own room, writing this, sipping tea and planning out my evening in my head. Feeling loads better.

Moral of the story: don't panic over anything, it does no good, only harm! Keep calm and reason will figure it all out. Before you know it, you already have the answer!

All in all I am so, so glad to have the time all for myself now, without the stress, and excited to see what these six weeks bring! A bucket list for this time has also been made, so look for that in the next couple of days! ;)

I'll see you all soon!

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